Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage (W05)


There are four small things a person can be doing in a marriage, without even knowing they are doing it, that can destroy a marriage. John Gottman calls these the four horsemen in the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”. These things can negatively affect a marriage but if we watch for them and try to avoid them, then a marriage can be more open and have less unhealthy arguments.
            The first horsemen that Gottman describes is criticism. This is attacking the person, rather than the problem. This doesn’t help a problem to be solved, it only hurts the spouse being attacked. Rather than criticizing the person, we should be focusing on the problem that we are frustrated with. When we are able to tell our spouse what is bothering us and provide ideas of how it could be fixed, it will be solved much more quickly than by attacking our spouse’s character. I don’t like to be criticized. I shut down when I am being attacked or criticized. It doesn’t make me want to change anything; it just gives me negative feeling towards the person who is criticizing me. This is how it is in marriage as well. We should be attacking the problem, not the person.
            The second horsemen is contempt. Gottman explained this as feeling superiority to another person or being disrespectful towards them. This can be very dangerous to a relationship. There should not be disrespect in a marriage. Each should be acting as equal partners. Contempt can make a person feel that they are of much less worth and importance in the relationship than they really are. It is important to recognize and know what contempt is so that it can be avoided. Contempt can come out in downgrading sarcasm that is aggressive and painful to the other person.
            The third horsemen is defensiveness. Criticism, contempt, and defensiveness go hand in hand with each other. It is hard to be on the receiving end of criticism and not defend yourself. I have a difficult time avoiding being defensive. When I feel attacked or disrespected, I immediately become defensive, which is not a good thing. Many times, when I get defensive, I turn the problem back to the other person. I try to convince myself and them that it is their fault and not mine. This will not help a situation, even when you may feel hurt or attacked.
            The final horsemen that Gottman explains is stonewalling. This is when a person shuts down and goes quiet as a result of the three previous horsemen described. This is one of my biggest weaknesses personally. When I feel like I must defend myself because of someone criticizing me so much, I shut down completely. I don’t want to have any more conversations and I just need my time. I shut people out and ignore so that I don’t have to deal with the criticism anymore.
            All these four horsemen affect each other and none of them solve any problems. They are all unhealthy ways of going about a problem that needs to be solved. Gottman also said in his book that a marriage must be built on the base of friendship. That friendship must be maintained, and it will be much easier to handle our disagreements. Marriages that are built on friendship can joke with each other when times get tense to lighten the mood. That is what we should be striving for in a marriage and we should consistently be working at the friendship and the marriage will be happier and healthier.

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