Seeking to Understand W10


            In relationships, it is important to know and recognize the other’s goals, aspirations, and needs. This will help us to be aware of how to handle certain situations. Sometimes our dreams clash with our partner’s. Some of these problems cannot be solved where each person gets what they want. John Gottman calls this gridlock. Sometimes it can be hard to live with people who were raised differently. They handle things differently than you and may like things a certain way which clashes with the way you like things. Gridlock can be large and deep problems and disagreements, or they can be small. I don’t like when dirty dishes are on the counter or in the sink. I have roommate who don’t mind that, probably because they grew up in an environment where that was normal. At first it bugged me quite a bit. However, I chose to not get upset at them over this because I realized that I liked things differently than the rest of them. This made me decide that if it started to bug me, I would just clean their dishes for them. This was a kind gesture that made me feel less annoyed. When situations come up that you and your partner do not agree with, it is important to know where your partner’s dreams come from and why they want or need that certain things. “In satisfying relationships, partners incorporate each other’s goals into their concept of what their marriage is about. These goals can be as concrete as wanting to live in a particular kind of house or to attain a certain academic degree. But they can also be intangible, such as longing to feel safe or wishing to view life as a grand adventure.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman) These goals can be large or small. Some will be more easily accessible and easier to accomplish than others. However, knowing these things about your partner can help the relationship greatly. This will help your partner to know that you care about them and their goals and want to help them reach them.
            Along with recognizing what your partner’s goals and dreams are, it is important to honor them. Try to understand why they have these dreams. What drives them to want to be successful in that specific thing? Let them know that you care about it and want to help them achieve it. “The challenge was to respect the dream and each other’s needs. But for many couples, the dream that is the core of the conflict is not so obvious. Only by uncovering this dream can the couple get out of gridlock.” (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman) It can be hard to understand your partner’s dreams at times. Knowledge of these dreams may be obtained through an argument of what they want and can make it more difficult to understand and respect what they want. It is important to dig deep into your partner’s past to understand and respect why this is a dream of theirs. Many times, supporting the dreams of your partner takes sacrifice and charity.
            Charity is an extremely important characteristic to have in a marriage. This characteristic is also hard to obtain. We are all human and make mistakes and are selfish at times; that is our natural tendencies. However, our purpose on earth is to overcome these natural tendencies or the natural man. We are to become more Christlike in our actions and thoughts. “The natural man is likely to find that resentment and vindictiveness come more easily than charity. More than we realize, those negative reactions are a choice-a choice to see in a human, judgmental way. But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. That choice makes all the difference. Charity can be the lens through which we see each other.” (Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard) We all have a choice in how we act every second of every day. We can choose to act lovingly or judgmentally. Choosing to act loving toward our partner can help the relationship to grow immensely. If we choose to respect our partner’s wishes, dreams, and goals, we are showing them that we love and respect them even though it may take some sacrifice on our part.

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